“I’m terrified. Absolutely terrified. My whole life has become a cruel game of 52-card pickup. Every aspect of my life has been thrown in the air and I don’t know where they will land. I want to crawl in a hole and pretend that none of this is happening. It’s too much for me to handle. Everyone is asking if they can do anything and I don’t know what to tell them.”

This was one of my journal entries after I found out my husband had a cancerous tumor growing in his sinuses and up into his brain. I felt so lost, so overwhelmed. As words like “tumor”, “brain”, and “biopsy”, got thrown into the atmosphere of the doctors office that day, a sense of the surreal took over my world, and everything got fuzzy. In the space of a heartbeat I flipped through denial, anger, fear and back to denial again. Hearing my husband sob; glancing over and seeing his shoulders shake, ripped me from my fog and I realized this was far worse for him.

There are no winners in a cancer journey

But was it? Worse, I mean. That’s not a popular question, I know. Because obviously it was HIS head, HIS brain, HIS health that was threatened here, but it was MY most important relationship, MY family, and MY world that were threatened. as well. There are no winners in a cancer journey. There may be battles won and victories to be celebrated, but there are no winners.

My support system couldn’t be there for me but I could carry them with me

I turned to my family, my friends, my faith, and my journal. I bought a notebook and started writing out, by hand, every scripture that was sent to or spoken over us. I wrote down phrases of songs and poems that encouraged me. When I announced it on social media, I wrote down every comment from every friend and family member who responded. I printed out encouraging messages and taped them to the pages. I carried that journal with me everywhere. I added things daily and when I was at my low points I would pull it out and reread the support I was receiving.

My friends and family couldn’t be with me every moment, but with my journal I could carry them with me everywhere I went. Sometimes our support gets taken away in the most unfair moments. It’s in those times that we must draw from our inner strength and find ways to be our own support. My journal was mine; what is your secret weapon?

Did this post encourage you? If so, please leave a comment below. Also, if you enjoyed this post, I’d be very grateful if you’d help it spread by emailing it to a friend, or sharing it on Twitter or Facebook. Thank you!

Kendra Dawn 2022

You Are Not Broken!

You are not broken! One of the leaders in the supplement company I’ve been working with said this and it really stuck with me. How many of us have felt like WE are the broken ones. Not a narcissist partner, not a system; not the world…
Dead End RoadKendra Dawn 2022

The Dead End Road

Caregiving is a dead end road. Before the brain tumor diagnosis things were not going well between my husband and I. We had been married for 19 years. We had survived infidelity, bankruptcy, and a plethora of bad decisions. But the toll had…
Kendra Dawn 2022

Birthing Authenticity & Self-Love

What I thought would destroy me actually birthed my authenticity and self-love. The month that we discovered that my husband had brain cancer, I thought it was the absolute end of my world. The seven years of what I called The Uninvited…
Kendra Dawn Designs 2022

The Pink Rocket Rides Again!

The Pink Rocket Rides Again For those who don’t know, my best friend and fellow kayaker passed away unexpectedly two months ago. Her kids gave us her kayak, and as of today it’s riding in my truck ready to take others out on the water this…

Badasses Rise Above

Life is really fucking hard!!! Life is really fucking hard!!! I got some heart breaking news today regarding the future of someone very close to me., and to be honest it brought me to my knees. Now, granted, that doesn’t take much…

Cleaning Out

I’m a fairly task-oriented person. Even when I’m doing something people-focused, it’s still a task in my head. I like systems, logic, and organization. When I organize something, I have a very particular way I like to do it. First…