You are not broken!

One of the leaders in the supplement company I’ve been working with said this and it really stuck with me.

How many of us have felt like WE are the broken ones. Not a narcissist partner, not a system; not the world we live in, but us.

I’m here to tell you, you are NOT broken.

You may be dealing with the aftermath of trauma. You may be facing physical challenges. You may be trying to build a business for the umpteenth time.

Whatever your challenge, let me assure you that you are not broken.

Whatever your challenge, let me assure you that you are not broken.

You may have some limiting beliefs. You may have some things out of balance in your body. You may have things out of balance in your life.

But you are not broken.

If you’re ready to address your challenges in a healthy way and be a part of a community that builds you up and helps you heal from the inside out, I can hook you up!

• Countering limiting beliefs.

• Adjusting mindset

• Balancing hormones

• Resetting your gut

Believe it or not these are all connected and when you begin to address one, the others follow.

I’m here and willing to help. Send me a message and let’s get started!

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Caregiving is a dead end road. Before the brain tumor diagnosis things were not going well between my husband and I. We had been married for 19 years. We had survived infidelity, bankruptcy, and a plethora of bad decisions. But the toll had been paid. There was no intimate connection. No shared interests. He had no interest in doing anything with me and I had no interest in doing anything with him, mostly because he didn’t do anything.

The night before the appointment at which we found out about the tumor, I had written him a letter in my journal. I laid out my fears for the future and my unwillingness to continue things as they had been. I never gave it to him.

I laid out my fears for the future and my unwillingness to continue

When the doctor said he had a brain tumor, it caused a huge shift in my perspective. Life altering news will do that to a person. I am a caregiver by nature, and that, combined with the love and history that we shared, meant that it wasn’t even a decision, I simply stepped up by his side and entered the Uninvited Journey with him. And for 2062 days I did exactly that.

Oddly it was the cancer that united us. It brought us together. It gave us a shared interest: that of defeating the enemy. I focused on finding heritage medicine that could help his body fight off the cancer itself as well as the side effects of the treatments of modern medicine. I worked hard to give him the best quality of life he could have by cooking him healthy, tasty, organic meals and creating a home environment that was peaceful and healing. It was a messy, ugly endeavor that failed more than it succeeded, but we were together and we were united.

And then he forgot who I was and that changed everything.

Oddly it was the cancer that united us

My heart shattered that day and I could describe it to you in great detail, but it’s the end result that matters. Cancer brought us together, and cancer ripped us apart. Our marriage blew apart that day, and no amount of spiritual duct tape would put it back together.

It stole my husband. I no longer had a partner. I was on my own. His cognitive decline was swift and fierce. I had to learn, very quickly, to do everything by myself. Mow the lawn. Trim the weeds. Build a fire in the fire pit. Pitch a tent. Drive a truck. Check the oil. Check the tire pressure. Everything. Every. Thing.

It’s not that I didn’t have the ability to become an independent woman, it was that I had never had to be. He had always done those things. Transitions are hard! And when the transition comes as abruptly as did mine, and hand in hand with the breaking of my heart, well, it knocked me on my ass.

I learned to live my life alone while he laid on the couch, exhausted from treatment and side effects of the treatment. If it wasn’t physical pain and discomfort keeping him from going anywhere or doing anything it was depression. The house was no longer a refuge, merely a place of sadness, depleted energy, and discord.

I started leaving more and more. Hiking. Kayaking. Driving dirt roads in our truck. Sitting on the lake shore desperate for peace. Begging God to heal him; to give me back my husband.

And then our truck broke. The transmission went out and I no longer had an escape. I could not kayak. I could not drive country roads. I could take the car and sit by the lakes and I did that but it wasn’t enough and it felt as if my prayers were landing on deaf ears. I had started drinking again and after the truck broke I ramped up my alcohol intake. I needed to numb the pain and since I couldn’t get to nature to do it, I looked to booze.

If you’ve ever seen Once Upon A Time, you’ve seen the queen reach into someone’s chest and pull out their heart. She holds it in her hand and has the ability to crush it, slowly or quickly; causing a slow tortuous death or a quick and painless one. Or she could put it in a box in her vault and have complete control over that person.

This is how I felt. My heart was being crushed. If I stayed it would either die or I would lose myself completely in the demands of caregiver, mom, wife, sister, daughter, and yes, even grandma. I felt like I had no control over my life but was completely at the mercy of the demands of those around me.

I would lose myself completely in the demands of caregiver

I could see the destructive path I was on had no good ending, and so I left. I told him I needed some space to try and reclaim who I was as a person, but I knew in my heart that I couldn’t go back without losing myself. I stopped by the house daily to check on him. We talked and I would help him pay his bills and keep his account in the positive. I took him to appointments. I did my level best to make sure that the shell of the man I used to love was taken care of and I did so up to his death and beyond.

Walking away isn’t the most socially accepted way of self-care, but sometimes it is all that is left. Sometimes it’s about survival. Girl-time and mani/pedis aren’t going to cut it when you’re in the battle and it becomes clear you’re going to lose. Caring for another human is hard physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Caring for another human who is someone you love and will likely die… that is brutal. That is dream killing and hope destroying; a dead end.

Girl-time and mani/pedis aren’t going to cut it when you’re in the battle and it becomes clear you’re going to lose

Our culture doesn’t support our caregivers. We expect superhuman strength out of them, we expect sacrifice that very few would willingly give, we expect perfection, and that is simply unrealistic. We need to change that. You need to change that. Give yourself grace for loving yourself self your way, that’s a good start.

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What I thought would destroy me actually birthed my authenticity and self-love.

The month that we discovered that my husband had brain cancer, I thought it was the absolute end of my world. The seven years of what I called The Uninvited Journey was a personal hell that brought about the death of every hope and dream I had for my life, my marriage, and my family.

the seed used the rot and decay of my soul to nourish itself

BUT there was a seed that was buried with all of my hopes and dreams. And somehow that seed sprouted and it started to use the rot and decay of my soul to nourish itself and it began to grow. Eventually it grew to the point that I noticed it.

AND I DECIDED TO TEND TO IT.

Please read that again. I made a conscious decision to nourish that seedling and help it grow stronger and faster.

there is always a seed that is buried with the loss

You see, sometimes when we experience a huge loss in our lives, we think it’s the end. But I believe there is always a seed that is buried with the loss and if we become aware of it then we can help it grow and become a new hope, a new dream.

My seedling is my purpose. I am working hard every day to get to the root of my toxic emotions and replace them with healthy ones.

I have many tools available to help me do that; to live my best life NOW.

What can you do today to take a step towards discovering the seed inside your pain?

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The Pink Rocket Rides Again

For those who don’t know, my best friend and fellow kayaker passed away unexpectedly two months ago. Her kids gave us her kayak, and as of today it’s riding in my truck ready to take others out on the water this summer.

Life doesn’t stop, not even for grief.

And what is life anyway?

Time. Life is time.

So if I waste time, I am wasting my life, and I don’t want to waste one more day.

if I waste time, I am wasting my life

I have goals and dreams that do not want to die with me and it is up to me to give them breath.

I talked last week about “what are you saying yes to”.

Did you make a list?

Why not?

what are you saying yes to

If you’re like me, and you’re not satisfied with wasting time (life) any longer, then stop what you are doing and make a list of all the things you want to be doing and accomplishing.

You have dreams inside you.

We all do.

Give them some breath.

Let them see the light of day.

Let’s go on an adventure!

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Life is really fucking hard!!!

Life is really fucking hard!!!

I got some heart breaking news today regarding the future of someone very close to me., and to be honest it brought me to my knees.

Now, granted, that doesn’t take much these days, being right on the heels of losing one of my best friends unexpectedly just two months ago.

So once again I find myself knocked down by life.

It happens.

To. Literally. Everyone.

Let me say that again. Every single person gets knocked down by life events.

The difference is how each one handles it.

What makes badasses, well, badasses, is that they get up and they rise above. They use the crap as motivation to fly higher.

And so yeah, I spent the day on my knees.

What makes badasses, well, badasses, is that they get up and they rise above

And now I’m getting up.

Now I’m moving forward with my passions, my purpose, my goals and my dreams

I’m trusting that God heard my prayers and that I can leave all that in His hands while I go and get my ass to work.

“You’ll see the light of day again my dear; let’s go on an adventure!”

Because there are still adventures to be had.

There are hearts to touch.

There are lives to inspire.

“You’ll see the light of day again my dear; let’s go on an adventure!”

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I’m a fairly task-oriented person. Even when I’m doing something people-focused, it’s still a task in my head. I like systems, logic, and organization.

When I organize something, I have a very particular way I like to do it. First I empty the thing out completely. It doesn’t matter if it’s a drawer, a closet, or a room. Everything goes.

When I have it down to the bare basics, the things that have to and will stay no matter what, then I take a look at what I’m dealing with. One by one I determine what goes back in that space, starting with the most important things. Once I have everything I want back in, then I dispose of whatever was left out.

Everything goes

Well, back in 2017 I cleaned out the closet that was my life.

I had just been to my doctor to see if I could either increase my anti-depressant dose or try a different one.

Just a few days prior, I had been driving down the highway, at a cruising speed of around 67, when I noticed a big old rig coming my direction in the other lane. I had the thought that if I just jerked my steering wheel a little bit to the left, maybe it would end quickly.

Well, as soon as I realized what kind of thought had crossed my mind, I knew I needed help. And so I found myself sitting in the doctor’s office, waiting for his answer.

I knew I needed help

What he said to me changed my life. He told me that no amount of anti-depressant would help me because the problem wasn’t a chemical imbalance in my brain, it was everything that was happening to me and around me.

I remember driving home and thinking, well, what is the point of taking any anti-depressants at all then? Now, I absolutely do NOT recommend doing what I did. It was the dumbest possible way to get off anti-depressants. Did I talk to my doctor and make a plan? No. Did I wean myself off of them? No, I didn’t do that either. I just stopped taking them. Lucky for me I didn’t have any crazy ass effects from it. Or did I…?

A few weeks later I was struggling. Anti-depressants or not, my life was a shit show and if I wasn’t managing it well ON the drugs, I sure as hell wasn’t doing a good job off the drugs.

if I wasn’t managing life well ON anti-depressants, I sure as hell wasn’t doing a good job off them

Anyway, it was a friend’s birthday. I made the plan to join her and our group of friends for a celebration at a bar in the nearby city. Afterwards I would go to another friend’s house and stay there for a few nights while I got my head on straight.  Well, those “few nights” ended up in me cleaning out my life the same way I clean out a closet. I threw everything out and started over.

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Our lives are so busy! Schedules, tasks, responsibilities, obligations and more take up all of our time. How can we even hope to hear God’s voice in all the noise? We barely have time for self care or hobbies, let alone quiet time with God.

However, hearing His voice is vital to our survival in this chaotic culture in which we live. We simply must get away from it all, even if just for a few minutes, to try and reconnect with God. It’s not about religion, confession, masks, and being good. It’s about a relationship with Him.

No Religion Just God

No Religion

When we step away from the chaos and into the solitude and stillness and we listen, we can finally hear His voice. We hear Him tell us how much He loves us. We hear that He’s proud to call us His children. We find out what His plans are for our lives. He shows us areas we need to work on, and areas we can stop trying so hard. He has so much to tell us. We just need to listen and we can’t do that while we’re surrounded by chaos.

Go for a walk. Take a drive. Take five minutes. Steal a half an hour. Escape for an afternoon. Plan it. Put it in your schedule or it’ll never happen. Write it in pen. Set an alarm. Refuse to let other things encroach on that time. It’s vitally important to your faith walk. Step away into the stillness and listen for His still, quiet voice. He wants to meet you there.

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IA_FacadeAs summer turns to fall, it’s easy to look at the around and believe summer is hanging on. But look at the green grass and see the brown lying beneath. Look at the leaves and see the beginnings of the change of color. Look up in the sky past the birds singing their songs and spot a few geese taking their annual trip south.

We can not hang on to the season forever. It must change. The one certain in life is that there will be change. The only thing we can do is find the color in the day, find the joy in the change. It may be hiding, but it is there if we look hard enough.

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Guardian of the Harbor

Guardian of the Harbor

Guardian of the Harbor is by far my favorite photograph of all I have taken. It probably has to do with the fact that it brings many of the things I love together into one memory. I am fascinated by lighthouses. I have loved camping in the Duluth area ever since my husband and I took annual trips up there in the fall while we were dating. And this particular camping trip was one of the last ones we took as a family before my daughter graduated from high school. On a cold October morning we woke to frost on the tent and an icy fog covering the ground. It was a good day to go exploring in Duluth and so naturally we ended up at the lift bridge and the North Pier Lighthouse.

As I looked at the lighthouse I began to think of it’s magnificent presence in the harbor, how she stands tall and strong, guarding the ships that sail in and out, warning them of potential danger. Similarly, I believe the Holy Spirit stands guard at the harbor of our hearts, watching over us, His magnificent Presence warning us of potential danger and lighting our path as we walk through life.

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Creation

Creation

One of the most beautiful things in my eyes is the sun shining through the clouds over a lake. When I was a young mom I would sit in our little fishing boat and it didn’t matter if I caught anything. I just found peace in the beauty of nature and the rhythm of the waves all around me.

One day as I sat there, fishing pole in hand, waiting for that little red and white bobber to pop under the surface of the lake, I started thinking about all the ways creation shouts out the presence of God.

“Creation” is the result of those musings.

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