Tag Archive for: suicide

I’m a fairly task-oriented person. Even when I’m doing something people-focused, it’s still a task in my head. I like systems, logic, and organization.

When I organize something, I have a very particular way I like to do it. First I empty the thing out completely. It doesn’t matter if it’s a drawer, a closet, or a room. Everything goes.

When I have it down to the bare basics, the things that have to and will stay no matter what, then I take a look at what I’m dealing with. One by one I determine what goes back in that space, starting with the most important things. Once I have everything I want back in, then I dispose of whatever was left out.

Everything goes

Well, back in 2017 I cleaned out the closet that was my life.

I had just been to my doctor to see if I could either increase my anti-depressant dose or try a different one.

Just a few days prior, I had been driving down the highway, at a cruising speed of around 67, when I noticed a big old rig coming my direction in the other lane. I had the thought that if I just jerked my steering wheel a little bit to the left, maybe it would end quickly.

Well, as soon as I realized what kind of thought had crossed my mind, I knew I needed help. And so I found myself sitting in the doctor’s office, waiting for his answer.

I knew I needed help

What he said to me changed my life. He told me that no amount of anti-depressant would help me because the problem wasn’t a chemical imbalance in my brain, it was everything that was happening to me and around me.

I remember driving home and thinking, well, what is the point of taking any anti-depressants at all then? Now, I absolutely do NOT recommend doing what I did. It was the dumbest possible way to get off anti-depressants. Did I talk to my doctor and make a plan? No. Did I wean myself off of them? No, I didn’t do that either. I just stopped taking them. Lucky for me I didn’t have any crazy ass effects from it. Or did I…?

A few weeks later I was struggling. Anti-depressants or not, my life was a shit show and if I wasn’t managing it well ON the drugs, I sure as hell wasn’t doing a good job off the drugs.

if I wasn’t managing life well ON anti-depressants, I sure as hell wasn’t doing a good job off them

Anyway, it was a friend’s birthday. I made the plan to join her and our group of friends for a celebration at a bar in the nearby city. Afterwards I would go to another friend’s house and stay there for a few nights while I got my head on straight.  Well, those “few nights” ended up in me cleaning out my life the same way I clean out a closet. I threw everything out and started over.

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